This may sound backwards to some, but we truly do believe in this philosophy. We live our lives as 2 people who happy to have kids; we do not live for our kids. We go out on regular date nights (yes without our kids, gasp!). We don’t let our kids sleep in our bed, but we will settle them down and put them back to bed if they wake up. We love, and kiss, and hug our kids, but we do not coddle them. We expect our kids to learn by doing, and learn to fix something by doing as well. Doing something for them doesn’t help them at all. We are raising the future adults of the world, and while they need to have fun, play, get messy, make mistakes, and all that goes with it, we need to set them up for success in life by learning how to work through things and learn the lesson. Let me make this clear, I would lay my life down for my kid in a heartbeat should it come to it, but I want them to know that my life does not revolve around them. Here is the most important way: love, hug, kiss, fight, argue, make-up, cry, and most of all respect your partner. By doing this I am giving them the best thing they can have, and that is a good role model for parents to show my kids what they should look for in life. I don’t care who they choose to spend their life with, but they better be able to do all of the above or I have failed myself as a parent.

Being as I already chose the person I want to live my life with, I want to know them. I don’t want to find in 20+ years that I’ve spent raising my kids with someone that when they move out, I won’t know my partner. I want to evolve each year that goes by to a higher understanding of each other so that when the kids go off to college and then eventually move out, I will be more in love than I’ve ever been before. This seems to be opposite to popular opinions I’ve seen, but Mr. Right and I are actually closer now and more open with each other since having kids. We have more sex, and it’s way better than it used to be. This has all come about with having an open-mind and willingness to please the other. It all comes back to communication. If you have fears, express them. If you have desires, express them. To the partner on the receiving end: don’t judge, simply listen, assess, and decide if you feel the same. No one person is perfect for you, the person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement.

Let me start this off by restating that what we write about are things that do and don’t work for us. This doesn’t necessarily mean this is the case for everyone else because every person and every couple is different. We hope that anything we write can either enlighten someone’s thoughts or opinions, or give some assurance that you aren’t the only one out there. For as we have seen it, those with opposite opinions and experiences than ours tend to be the loudest, especially on social media. Really it’s not worth the fight to give my opinion because they don’t seem receptive to listen anyway. We will write here and appreciate any opinions that differ, but they may just not work for us.

Today I’m going to talk about relationships and one specific item that seems to be limited or absent in many of them. I’ve seen them, I’ve been in them, I’ve learned from them, and the good ones always boil down to a few common things: attraction, love, trust, and communication. If one of these items are out of balance then bad things ensue, such as fights, fear, jealousy, and we all know where these can lead. Each of these items is a changing thing throughout a relationship such as marriage. I absolutely love to see marriages that last, on the flip side I dislike seeing people stay in a marriage that doesn’t work (I believe in happiness above all else). The expectation that each of you remain the same individuals throughout your life is about as real as the princess being rescued by the prince in a tower. Thus you can always change and grow, and how this happens is by continuing to help each other along the way rather than walking completely by yourself.

Communication, it seems, is one of the most underrated, basic things in our world. I’m not talking about talking and listening. I’m talking about actually communicating your thoughts, not holding back, and having a receptive partner who is actually listening, and whether it changes your opinion or not, respecting what another has just told you. It is about being able to say anything you need and knowing the other is not going to judge, and what a weight this will life from you and possibly save your relationship or marriage.

Let me take you back to my first moment of panic when I thought that my marriage wouldn’t last until we were old and wrinkled. Several years back, I was pregnant with our second child. At the time and looking back all I can see is that I felt so much better about myself in the pregnancy, I had eaten better, I hadn’t gained as much weight. I do remember being envious of the fact that my husband was at the time on a workout kick, so as I was gaining a pound, my husband was losing one…a very frustrating moment I believe most women can agree. However, for the most part I thought everything was literally going great. My husband on the other hand admits to me halfway through the pregnancy that he has been having a tough time with this one. I know what you are all thinking; the man is having a tough time with the pregnancy. But I truly believe that he was suffering, more by being his own worst critic I’m sure, but I love that my husband can show his feelings. In a later post I will write more on this, but men are affected by this and have feelings too whether or not they choose to show them.

We’ve literally gone over this time and time again and don’t know the exact cause, probably some kind of mid-life crisis, but he basically didn’t feel attracted to me. That revelation compounded with the hormones and stress of having another child running around already during pregnancy, created a rift between us which I was blissfully unaware of. I never want to be blissfully unaware of something again. I was blindsided when he told me and I was totally distraught when he told me he wasn’t currently attracted and even got to the point where he told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me (refer back to how marriage is an ever-changing thing). I was frustrated and hurt, but looking back I am so glad he said something, and we gave it time and I listened and we worked through it. Thankfully, we have always naturally in a heated debate had the idea to each go in our respective corners and give each other space, because if you don’t you end up saying things you don’t mean. I knew after thinking about it that this situation wasn’t something he was doing to me on purpose and that he needed time to figure out what was going on in his head. Here we are years later, and many conversations and scenarios later, so amazingly happy with our life and the choices we have made.

Do you know how when you are watching a movie and you in the audience know something that the other character doesn’t because if the main character would just say something then all would be resolved? It is literally painful to watch this and you just want the person to say it. This is JUST like life. Open your mind and open your ears, you have 2 of them for a reason and be the receptive listener so that your partner can feel safe to say what they need to. It may not always be what you want to hear, but you have to and what you do with it is your choice.

 

Mrs. Always Right